Reflections on a Wedding Day

Yesterday I went to my friends wedding. It was 8 hours from where I live so it wasn’t easy getting there, but we made it. She asked if Ellie (my 2 year old) would be her flower girl. Though the bride and I hadn’t talked much in a couple years, I knew that asking Ellie to be in the wedding was a way of including me. I couldn’t help but think of all the wonderful times we had together. Even the times when we would talk about her future wedding, and how all her friends at the time would be in it. None of those friends, except me were even invited. Weddings are a time to reflect. Thinking about our relationship with the bride or groom, how much has changed and how quickly these moments go by. During the rehearsal I met the groom. She introduced me as a “friend from college” which is accurate, but I wondered when I had just become a friend from college to her now husband. How quickly things change. 

I don’t know anything about marriage or being a bride, but I do know how valuable true friendship is. There were multiple times when I realized that it didn’t really make sense for me to go to this wedding. I didn’t have the money, a way to get there and I was so sure that Ellie wouldn’t walk down the aisle. Even on our way there my friend who drove me almost turned around because she wasn’t feeling well. Things were stacked against me making it, but I am so grateful that I did. The bride was a friend who never judged me throughout my crazy days, and was always there to listen when I needed her. The least I could do was be there for her on her wedding day. 

This weekend ended up being worth all the trouble, but it also gave me a chance to reflect on a lot of things. What kind of friends do I want in my life, and what kind of friend am I? It’s truly incredible how quickly life changes. I’ve learned to except the expected and go with whatever may come our way. Oh, and Ellie DID walk down the aisle. Much more on that later. 

  

Giving Our Worries to God and Other Single Mom Challenges

I was at the park with my daughter today when I had another one of those “freeze moments” I talked about before. A moment that seems to freeze and give you the time to realize how significant it is. Ellie was so happy at the park with me. My attention makes her happy, being with me makes her happy, and I realized one day, that won’t be the case. I started to think of all things she wasn’t aware of. How we don’t have very much money, and I don’t have a college degree. How she’ll never know her father. My fears came over me. My greatest fear – that ellie will hate me for what I did. Hate me for not giving her a father. For not being married and providing a man she deserves, to love her and tell her how beautiful she is. For not providing a better and bigger home and not having a good job.

I’m sure I’ve said this before, but these things make me feel as though I am some how cheating on her. That my love and relationship to her is a lie because she is unaware of all these things. That as soon as she becomes aware of everything I am, she will no longer love me.

Then I started to think about what I wanted for her in life, even if one day she chooses not to have me in hers. I want her to be happy. I want her to love The Lord and know how truly beautiful and precious she is – no matter who her parents are. Happiness may not mean getting married for her, or even having a fabulous carrier. It may just be a simple life doing something she loves. And I realized, in these moments all those things don’t matter to her. She doesn’t know other people have big houses or more money. She doesn’t know it’s my former colleges graduation today or that I don’t have a degree. She knows me, and for her at least right now – I’m enough.

I’m not sure what it will be that makes her happy, but I do know if I can’t model what I want for her, she may never know to go after it. Now I love my mom. I love her more then words can express, but I don’t feel like I get the drive and motivation to follow my dreams from her like I want to give Ellie. I don’t even know exactly what my dreams are yet, but I’m ready to find out. I’m ready to show her that I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past, but God is merciful and my mistakes don’t define my future – our future.

I know that my fears about my daughter hating me for my past will still creep in here and there, but at the end of the day I have to love her as much as my heart can love and give all my fears over to The Lord. I would have never imagined my life just a few years ago, but now that it’s here I couldn’t imagine life any differently. She may never truly hate me, but she is certain to question why things are they way they are. We all do that at some point. She’ll question why she doesn’t have a father, and she won’t have anyone to blame but me. I hope to gain the wisdom from God to have the right words for her and be what she needs during those times, but no matter what she thinks of me I know she means the world to me and nothing will change my love for her.