The older I get the more I realize how young I was when I became a mother. I am beginning to realize how naive, clueless and inexperienced I was. I am just starting to realize the sadness that my mother had in her heart when she found out what I was about to face. Being a mother at any age is difficult, there is no doubt about it, but there is something extraordinarily hard about having motherhood tossed at you just as you are exiting your own childhood.
As of last week it has been four years since I found out I was pregnant. I often look back at that day for what it was, one of the scariest days of my life. There was no joy, there was no celebration. There was sadness, loneliness, and a whole lot of confusion. I didn’t know exactly how hard the road ahead of me was going to be. There was nothing anyone could say or do to fully prepare me. Lately for whatever reason I have had resentment seep into my thoughts. Not at my daughter or anyone in particular except for myself. Why was I so stupid? Why didn’t I think about what I was doing and the responsibility that I was taking on at such a young age? In my darkest moments I think that my daughter would have been better off with someone else. Someone who wasn’t still trying to figure themselves out or who could be happy playing and reading books for most of the day.
Maybe its these toddler years that are getting to me, or that it’s been over three years with no real break. Maybe I’m realizing that my own youth is slipping past me and I’m spending most of it changing diapers and buying juice boxes. Maybe it’s this stressful but incredible trip that made me realize how much harder life is with a child. When I got back last week I sat and cried to my mom, “I never even had a chance to be an adult.”
Life is full of choices and I’ve certainly made mine to get me to where I am today. Despite these dark moments, the second guessing and feelings of being a failure, I’d make the same damn choices again if it meant I got to be my little girls momma. It’s so difficult, but so worth it.